It was made very clear to me as a young leader that leadership was lonely. It was almost a badge of honor to be the lone person in front of the pack, suffering for the sake of the mission and responsibility.
That message was only reinforced as I expanded my leadership responsibilities. “It’s lonely at the top.” As I looked around, I saw a lot of lonely leaders, but it felt more like a self-fulfilling prophecy than it did an inevitable result of high-impact leadership.
Twenty-five years into my professional leadership journey, I know this is a lie. Holistic leadership isn’t lonely; it thrives when you nurture true belonging. In fact, the relationships you cultivate directly shape the leader you become.
The Antidote to Loneliness
Combatting this leadership lie requires both effort and intentionality, or you will find yourself alone and lonely. The antidote to loneliness is belonging. If you want to lead differently, look at the relationships closest to you.
Your Five Closest Relationships Predict Your Results
We are the sum of the people we spend the most time with. Your five closest relationships act as a mirror, reflecting the habits, mindsets, and outcomes you experience. If you want to expand your influence and impact holistically, look around. Are the people closest to you helping you grow, challenging you, and celebrating your wins? Or are they subtly holding you back? Transformation happens better in the company of like-minded leaders.
The 4 Spaces of Belonging
Belonging doesn’t accidentally happen – it’s cultivated across four inter-related relational spaces:
- Public: Where you connect with larger communities, like professional associations or faith groups.
- Social: Where acquaintances become friends, often through shared interests or common goals.
- Personal: Where trust deepens, and you share more of your whole self.
- Intimate: Where you feel “naked and unashamed” by those who know you deeply and love you fully.
The four spaces are best understood through the image a funnel.
While the goal is not to move all your relationships further down into the funnel, this visual offers a few insights:
- natural progression from broad, less personal connections at the top to deep, intimate connections at the bottom
- shows the fluidity of how people can move between different spaces
- reveals why you may feel lonely because a particular space is missing or underrepresented
If you’re feeling lonely, it’s likely because connection is missing in at least one of the spaces. True belonging requires all four spaces. When you intentionally nurture each one, you actively build a support system that fuels holistic success.
And it’s completely within your control to change.
Start Here: Evaluate Your Top 5 People
Take a sheet of paper and write down the names of your top 5 relationships. Then, define which space of belonging you have with them–public, social, personal, or intimate. Finally, ask yourself questions like:
- Are these relationships marked by trust and mutual growth?
- Do they inspire and empower me?
- Do they actively support my dreams and potential?
- Do they challenge me to lead with greater authenticity and purpose?
If the answer is “no” more often than “yes,” it’s time to create space for new connections that align with the person and leader you’re becoming.
Leadership does NOT have to be lonely. When you intentionally cultivate belonging, you build a foundation of relationships that elevate not just your results but your entire life. After all, sustainable success isn’t achieved in alone – it’s amplified in community.
My Favorite Five Resources
I love people but relationships can be complicated! These resources have served me well in my life and my leadership journey.
- The Search to Belong by Joseph Myers: This book dives deeply into the four unique but equally necessary spaces of belonging.
- The secret to desire in a long-term relationship: TED Talk by Esther Perel speaks beautifully to the intimate space of belonging
- Enneagram Workshop: The Enneagram hands down is my favorite relational navigational tool. I’ll take you on a quick deep dive of the Enneagram in this 2-part on-demand workshop so you can understand yourself and how others view the world so you can better connection, relate, and/or lead others.
- StrengthsFinder Assessment: It’s recommended to complete this assessment every decade so you can better harness your strengths and connect with others more authentically.
- Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab: This is the boundaries bible, especially if you don’t feel confident expressing your needs or respected in your relationships.
Your Next Step
Now that you have more clarity on what relational wholeness looks like, download our Relational Guide: Overview & Pro Tips for specific next steps aligned with your goals that you can implement today.
If you want a full review of how you’re doing holistically in your life and leadership, take our proprietary 120-question Wholeness Assessment take it here: www.ezerandco.com/wholeness-assessment. It’s practical, holistic and will give you actionable steps to help you grow and reach your fullest potential.